According to the Bible, a Christian should only marry a person who is:
- A Christian
- Able to be married (i.e., of legal age, not married already, etc.)
- Of the opposite sex
Item 3 used to be self-evident (and still is, for most of us), but we had to add it to the list a few years back.
That’s it. The key constraint is usually item 1: The future spouse must be a Christian. Ignoring God’s clear direction on this is a bad idea.
Full disclosure: It is possible that my wife violated guideline #1 in marrying me. Fortunately, she lost the receipt so she can’t return me now.
“Missionary dating” (that is, dating someone in hopes of converting them) is un-Biblical , as it is based on false pretenses. God might bless your relationship and your spouse might become a Christian, but there are no guarantees of that in scripture. You just don’t want to start your marriage in clear violation of one of God’s commands.
Marrying someone outside your faith is problematic. You will have vastly different views on what should be the most important part of your life. It will send a horrible message to your children, namely that you and your spouse thought it was important to agree on where to live, how many kids to have, where to vacation, what to eat, etc., but it wasn’t important for you to have even a general agreement on who God is and how that should impact your lives.
A good Christian friend realized the error of his ways and broke off a relationship with a non-Christian. It was pretty painful, but certain things validated why he needed to make the break: She specifically tempted him to deny his God, “Just this once” - proof enough as to why such relationships are a bad idea.
Of course, just because it is moral to marry someone doesn’t mean it it wise. There is a lot of wisdom and advice about how and whether to marry in the book of Proverbs and in 1 Corinthians 7, among other places. These passages were directed to Solomon’s son but they apply to both sexes.
Proverbs 12:4 A wife of noble character is her husband’s crown, but a disgraceful wife is like decay in his bones.
Proverbs 21:9 Better to live on a corner of the roof than share a house with a quarrelsome wife.
Proverbs 21:19 Better to live in a desert than with a quarrelsome and ill-tempered wife.
Proverbs 27:15 A quarrelsome wife is like a constant dripping on a rainy day;
Proverbs 31:10 A wife of noble character who can find? She is worth far more than rubies.
Filed under: Christian living, Favorites | Tagged: Christian, God, Jesus, marriage, Politics, religion, same-sex marriage, unequally yoked
Item #2 nearly tripped me up. For some people, “able to be married” means never before married or widowed (never divorced). A very good Christian friend advised me that marrying a divorced woman would cause her to commit adultery.
After counseling from my pastor, re-reading the scriptures, reading commentaries by John McArthur and a lot of prayer, I decided that it was ok. As one pastor told me, when God permits divorce, God permits remarriage.
After my friend talked to his wife, he called me back to apologize (we know who the boss in that family is – chuckle, chuckle). He even attended my wedding. Six years now, going on sixty (sometimes it seems that long already).
Good point, Randy. I tried not to get into all the variants and just left it as “able to be married.”
Well, that’s one thing I got right.
My Christian husband married me when he shouldn’t have. I was an agnostic heathen. He was saved. But because he hadn’t been living right, he went against God’s wishes and dated me and we fell in love within a week and got married a year later.
BUT God ,being the great God that He is, turned things around. A hard-shelled agnostic’s heart was softened over the years, and I got saved twelve years later and my husband had a personal revival and rededicated his life to the Lord. We had a great marriage before I got saved, but oh how much better it has become now that God is in it.
Ms. Green,
God does work in His own way, and sometimes He takes a bad thing and turns it into good. How awesome.
When my youngest son returned from his mission trip last summer, he stopped seeing a girl who goes to church regulary with her parents, but is not a believer.
This is a subject that comes up periodically in my High School Sunday School Class. Not all of my students are willing to accept this.
I tell them that the most important thing is to pray with an open heart and mind. For we can’t know for sure what will work out, but God does know. I don’t mean just mentioning it sometime, I mean serious repeated prayer seeking God’s will. This is one of those situations where you have to work hard, to separate God’s will from your own.
Another good piece of advice, not particularly Biblical, is not to date someone you couldn’t marry. That gives you an opportunity to seek God’s will before you are so emotionally involved.
Excellent points, SST. I know it sounds old fashioned, but it makes a lot of sense not to date anyone you couldn’t marry. People think it is just for fun, but they may “fall in love.” Then is is very hard to break up over something like religious differences.
P.S. Good for your son! Must be that good parenting taking hold.
Good post, Neil. “Item 3 used to be self-evident…” Pretty sad truth.
[...] issue of marrying people outside the faith was reiterated in the New [...]
I am a Christian, and I am in a deep relationship with an Agnostic. We talk frequently about our future. However, he’s had many bad experiences in the past with other “Chrstians” and he doesn’t want his children brought up “brainwashed”. He’s fine with me going on Sunday mornings, but he also doesn’t want me to be in other group activities because he says that it will become my entire social circle (which is true, to an extent). He also doesn’t get along with my parents as they are extremely religious. I have already compromised my honor for him, and I am too in love with him now and not strong enough to end it. My suggestion to you is that if you are sincere in your beliefs, stop before it is too late, unless he is willing to let you have your way on chastity and children (which can be seen as unfair to him as well).
StapleItTogether,
First, let me thank you for your candor. I appreciate your witness and cautionary tale. The circumstances you outlined show perfectly why God doesn’t want us to be unequally yoked.
One question we all have to ask about prospective spouses is, “If they never get any closer to Jesus, what will life be like?”
A good friend of mine was in a similar but perhaps not as intimate situation. It took him two tries to end the relationship and it was very painful on both sides, and he is still working his way through it.
People – even Christians – look at me funny when I say that Christians should only date Christians, and this is why.
I have prayed for you and will continue to do so and ask like minded readers to do the same. I prayed that you will find the strength and wisdom to follow the path that God would have you go. We can trust that it will always, always, always work out for the best, even if it seems more painful in the short term. God has an amazing way of making good come out of bad.
Blessings to you!
Peace,
Neil
Hi, could also tell us more on getting married to relatives. I dont know if me (female – 25) can marry my God parents’ son (male – 24). Both of us are Christians and we live in Christian faith with true Christian values. However, does our age also mis-match? This question has been running on my mind since 3 yrs. I’m glad I found this artcile here. please respond to my personal email id with references from the Bible if any. reemavs@hotmail.com (from India)
Regards,
Reema
Reema,
I’m the kind of guy who lives by rules. I spelled out rules to my kids because it was easier than explaining all the reasons. I told them that “the rule” was, they couldn’t date anyone more that 10% older or younger than them. So if you’re 25, your date should be between 23 and 27.
Now the complicated part is why. My theory is that someone more than 10% difference in age is so much different in life experience, it’s difficult to bridge the gap. But this is a general statement, not specific. And in truth, I never enforced this rule, I just gave it to them as a guideline. For teenagers, one year difference is a lot. When I was single and 40, 5 years difference was too much.
I should say that there is NO Biblical evidence to support my “rule”. I know a couple who are Indian like you. He is about 15 years older than her and their parents chose them to be married when they were young. As they matured, they decided to follow their parents’ wishes, realizing that their parents had a lot of wisdom (I wish my kids felt that way). They are now happily married, two children and living (temporarily) in the US as teachers.
In an ideal world, Christians should adhere to rule number 1. But, it is literally impossible to date a christian guy around here (metro New York) as they are so few. I personally don’t agree with the “unequally yoked with unbelievers” as applying to marriage. But having experienced relationships with unbelieving men (including my current boyfriend), I see where it’s lacking. In other words, I can’t say that I’m comfortable with the relationship. And it has everything to do with the faith issue.
Thanks Randy. I too agree with ‘the rule’. So I understand that it doesn’t matter much in my case right? I can still think positively?
One year age difference is minor. Are you both Christians? That gives you a common background. Are you both committed to marriage?
The Bible says that a woman will leave her mother and father and cleve only unto her husband. You need to be sure you’re in agreement on how to deal with parents on both sides.
What about children? How many do you want, and how many does he want? If the answer is close, it’s ok. If the answers are far from each other, that might create issues. How will you discipline them? Like your parents disciplined you? Or like his parents disciplined him? Can you work together on this?
How will you handle money? Will you work after children are born? Money problems are the #1 cause of divorce.
If you can be of like mind on 1) religion, 2) family, 3) children and 4) money, you should be fine.
LorMarie-
I understand where you’re coming from, I’m not comfortable in my relationship either (see previous post). Thing is, everything else is great, so if it weren’t for that then we’d be engaged. I’m wondering if that’s how your relationship is. Sometimes I worry, because I am a Christian and wanted to wait until marriage to be intimate and being with my current boyfriend changed that situation. Sometimes I wonder if I’m going to hell.
So basically, my belief is that it’s not technically WRONG to be with a non-Christian or to be intimate with someone before marriage, but it’s definitely risky and falls under the “everything is permissible, but not everything is beneficial” category. I feel that part of me missing too, every week when I go to church by myself.
Stapleittogether,
Sounds like we are in a similar situation. I too always believed that I should wait for marriage to be intimate. I still believe that is what God demands. But like you, my current relationship changed that testimony unfortunately. It also doesn’t help matters when you have unsaved loved ones telling you that you SHOULD be out there having such relationships since it isn’t normal to do otherwise.
As for the hell part, I think it depends on what we continue to do. Either we are going to stop sinning and get back on the right track, or keep sinning and…. I’m not an expert, but this is just my guess.
Perhaps my strategy will help you. One of my New Year resolutions is to end my relationship because I don’t see it going anywhere. If you feel the same, you could probably make that one of your goals.
My story is not a real happy one. I don’t like talking about it. Yet, I think some might benefit from here. All sorts of red flags went up when reading some of the responses. I do not want any one else to go through what I did, if there is any thing I can do to help it. For that reason, here it is,
I have been married before. It was a horrible, horrible time in my life.
We dated fro two years. He did not want to commit. At all. He wouldn’t introduce me to his parents for a year. Eventually, he did propose because he felt I would have broken up with him if he didn’t. Honestly, had he not proposed, we would have. I was to naive to say no.
I think he wanted to marry me for money and the comfort it could bring.
Up to that point, we were not intimate. I too, wanted to wait. Three months before the wedding, that changed. That guilt haunted me from then on. I knew it was wrong, even though we were to be married.
Something special happens when you marry. You are no longer two individuals, but one flesh. There is a spiritual union there. He wasn’t my husband. I knew in my heart that I had just committed adultery, but in my rebellion I explained it away.
We did marry. In June. By October, he decided to leave me, and even “lost” his wedding ring. But, he felt guilty and came back. I, of course not wanting divorce, was tickled and ready to work to save and work on the marriage. I wanted to know what it was that I could do to help our marriage, and he said keep the house clean. That didn’t make sense. House cleaning is not a relationship builder. Plus, nothing I did was right any way, not even how I put the soap in the washer.
It was an awful time. The yelling. The neglect. We lived as if we were room-mates. He had his bills and I had mine. I taped together my shoes. I had to ask permission for everything. I could no longer see my friends. He didn’t like my family, and I never heard him call my parents “Mom” or “Dad” and only my father by his first name once… in 7 years. It was always “uhm…”
Then, the sexual abuse began. It is possible to be raped by a spouse.
He claimed to be a Christian, as did I. My problem was that I always questioned my salvation. I prayed with my pastor one day that the Lord would assure me of my salvation. He did. BUT- it was that I had never trusted in Him alone for salvation and assured me that I WAS NOT saved. That scared me SO very badly. I knew all the sins that I committed and what the consequences were. I called my sister one night, terrified that Christ would come back, and I’d be left behind. She asked me if I wanted to believe. Praise God, I did! The Lord brought me to Himself that night on the phone with my sister.
That changed our relationship drastically. I went to Christian counseling. He went a few times, but refused to follow the counselor’s recommendations. My spouse began to hate me, and I knew it. I tried everything. All the nastiness began to heat up around the house. I got chased around the house, and pushed into a glass shower door. He grabbed me to yank me up by the arms and left bruises. I’d run into the bathroom and locked the door, often sitting next to the door, and he’d bust through it. A few times he’d clench his fits to hit me only to hit something else instead. (God spared me form that.) He started staying out really late, and I didn’t know where he was or why his 15 minute drive home took 3 hours. He got some type of “fungal infection” and would not touch me for months.
He threatened to leave more and more. I desperately wanted my marriage to work and eventually wanted a family. A family he refused to allow me to have. (In hindsight, that was a good thing. Then, it tore my heart out.)
At one point, the horn on my car stopped working. I saved $2000 to get it fixed, because the broken part was under the airbag. He got it “fixed” for $75 by having a “frankenhorn” button put in. It was down far enough that you had to bend over or sick your arm through the steering wheel to use it. It was extremely dangerous to use in an emergency. At that point, he began wanting me to take out extra life insurance, saying that what I had wouldn’t pay for a funeral or pay off the house mortgage. I was scared for my life.
I decided to let him leave if he wanted. He told me no he didn’t want to leave, but told me to. I was given 30-45 minutes to get my things and leave.
We divorced four months later.
I am remarried to a wonderful Christian man and the Lord has blessed us with a family. I am involved in a church and have settled into a terrific extended family of the Lord.
It hurts to bad spiritually, and sometimes physically, to have sexual relations outside the marriage covenant. Don’t do it.
It hurts to bad to be “unequally yoked” to a non-Christian. There is a spiritual warfare going on there that you do not see until you are out of the situation. It will inhibit your walk with the Lord, whose relationship with you is far more important. Don’t do it.
If he treats you badly before you are married, be CERTAIN that it will be amplified after you marry. It will not get better. Don’t do it.
Though they say with their mouths that they love you, but their actions are hateful, it’s not love. Do not commit.
Marriage is so important. It points to the ultimate marriage of Jesus and His Bride the Church in heaven. It is not just about two people who love each other. It is a picture of the Gospel being played out in our lives. When a man and a woman marry, they knit their lives and souls together. When you sleep with someone other than your spouse, you bring them into that marriage bed with you.
Praise God, that infidelity is not the unforgivable sin! And neither is divorce! They grieve God and He “hates divorce.” But he allows it because we are sinful. In His great and abundant mercy, He is faithful and prompt to forgive us when we repent of our sins. He is AWESOME.
I am the woman at the well. I have been forgiven and made new.
Kristine,
What a wonderful testimony. I am especially impressed that, once you accepted Christ, you stayed with him, trying to make it work. I think Paul said exactly that thing in his books.
I am married to a divorced woman and have a step-daughter who is divorced. I agree with you that divorce grieves God and that He “hates divorce”. Furthermore, I agree with you that divorce is not unforgivable and I don’t think it’s always a sin. Your case is a good example. You did all you could, and even though God is grieved, He is happy that you are safe. I don’t believe He wanted you to stay in that relationship and He convinced your husband to get out.
Thanks for your testimony.
Hi Kristine,
thanks for sharing. I know God hates divorce so I won’t focus on that. But it is a matter of safety. If one were in a situation where she (or sometimes he, and even the children) is being abused, the best thing to do is get out. I haven’t experienced that directly but my parent’s marriage was filled with abuse; and they were both Christians. They eventually divorced and I’m ashamed to admit that it (the divorce) made me happy. I never wanted them to get back together. One thing I can say about the ultra-strict Pentecostal church I was brought up in, is that they made it a clear point. Divorce is sin, but if you are being abused, get away from your abuser. I think I’m getting a bit too personal here so I’ll stop. But I’m glad you’re safe.
Kristine-
I’m sorry to hear all that happened to you, but I’m glad you’re in a situation now that you’re happy with.
As for my situation, my boyfriend has NEVER abused me, and he’s very good to me. He takes care of me, teaches me so many things, and is good to other people and is extremely loyal to his friends, family, and girlfriend.
He didn’t force me to be intimate, but I wanted to “cement” the relationship. I do regret getting into the whole situation, and if I could go back and make the decision to stay single, I would.
However, some say that performing the act does marry you in God’s eyes. My boyfriend is still loved by God, though he doesn’t believe it, and he has been hurt so much by women in the past that he doesn’t want to try to have a marriage/family life if we fall through. He doesn’t deserve to just be thrown away.
Yes, I worry about hell. I worry about it all the time, and I’m scared to death. I still love Jesus and trust in him as my Savior, and I pray for my boyfriend’s salvation and for our relationship every day.
Stapleittogether,
I really worry that the whole point about what I wrote was missed. It wasn’t about the abuse. Our sins escalated into the mess. At the beginning of everything, I would have said the same thing as you are doing now. It’s a faith and trust issue you are battling.
Sleeping together doesn’t make you married in God’s eyes. Rather it is a distortion of what God intended marriage to be. It lets sin creep it’s ugly visage into to the beautiful marriage picture- of the Gospel and loving gift to His children so man won’t be alone. If you guys are “playing house” seeming to act as a married couple, use the privilege of sex married couples have, but have not covenanted with God and each other, then you are living a lie. You look “married” but in fact are misleading some people who wouldn’t know better. There is no trial run for marriage.
Then, marriage is a picture of the Gospel. The way you live your life is a testimony of Jesus in and of itself, with out you uttering a single word. That’s something for all of us to think about. Does our daily life glorify the Lord and help fulfill the Great Commission, spreading the Gospel, or does it look like what the rest of the world does?
The other thing that an intimate relationship and/or marriage to a non-believer does is inhibit your walk with Jesus. In the relationship, the husband is responsible for the wife, her spiritual growth especially. He is to lead you, teach you, and disciple you in the things of God. (See 1 and 2 Corinthians, Titus, and 1 Timothy, I think.) Like Christ and the Church, he is to present you to the Father, perfect and beautiful, with out spot or blemish. If he is not a believer, how is he going to instruct you, and in what? Rather, you are going to shoulder a load alongside someone who isn’t pulling his weight. That will strain your walk. The easiest thing for you to do is not to go to church, not to have your own Bible study, and eventually stop fellow-shipping with other believers. The flesh is a mighty strong force. Though we are still saved, it doesn’t go away until we are in glory. Sanctification is rough. We cannot do any of this in our own strength. We need the Holy Spirit. Fellowship, Bible Study, Prayer, worship, Communion, all help your faith to grow and get stronger so that we can “put to death” the sins of the flesh and grow to be more like Christ every day. Being unequally yoked will inhibit all of this. BELIEVE me on this. I’ve been there. Please, please, please don’t go down this path.
I’m not saying throw this man away either. God may have you in his life to use you to bring him to Jesus. Pray for him every day, multiple times. Get him into church where he can sit under the preached Word, hear the Word read, and enlist other believers to help witness to him as well. In the mean time, go to couple’s (Christian) counseling- with a licensed counselor or your pastor. (Everyone needs counseling. My husband and I go.) It really helps. If he won’t go with you, you go.
Why do you worry about hell and are scared to death of it? You have the Holy Spirit living inside of you! Hell and the indwelling of the Holy Spirit is like oil and water. They will NEVER mix. NOTHING can take you out of Jesus’ hands once He has saved you! Not sin, not death, not demons, not people, nothing. Be assured of that. Do not be afraid. Your sins from the very first day of your life to those at your very last breath have been removed from you as far as the east is from the west. Jesus took your punishment, He went through God’s wrath for you. He suffered like no other human has ever done or will ever do to keep you from going to Hell. Do you think that the Great Creator of all the universe, the Man whose very word spoke creation into being, the Son of the Living and True God, the Man who took on Satan and death and defeated them on Cavalry will let someone He loves and died for slip through His fingers and go to Hell? BY NO MEANS! If He won’t let someone as powerful as the Devil win, how would He possibly let you do something that will “mess up” your gift of salvation and let you suffer eternity in Hell? He will not. He’s promised that. Believe Him.
Some hard decisions are at your door step. I’m so sorry that this trial is before you. There will be pain, either way you choose. You can’t be afraid of that at this point. That will have to be dealt with in the way that honors the Lord the most. However the pain, trust in Jesus to help you in everything. Pray. Get into His Word and don’t get out. Seek His will and not your own… or your boyfriend’s. Jesus will tell you what He wants you to do in the quiet workings of the heart He’s given you. Lean on Him. His yoke is light. He will bear you up. In Him only will you be strong.
You are loved, not just by a fellow sister in the Lord, and the others here, but more importantly, by the Great God of the Universe, Himself.
Reading what you wrote brought me to tears. Thank you for helping me out.
As far as the hell issue, it scares me because I’m still in this situation, which could still be sinning. To really be repentant, you have to stop sinning. I’ve been taught that if you have unrepented sins, you are not free yet to go to heaven.
I also know that the only way out without pain is for my boyfriend to change. Sometimes it’s hard to believe that’s a possibility, and I know you can’t depend on that, but then you can’t say anything is beyond God’s ability.
I’m thinking about talking to my pastor about it. Another thing is, besides the pain and lonliness it would cause me, would be causing all that for him. He was pretty much hopeless as far as having a marriage and family before we met, and I don’t want to take that away from him. I want to be the one with him forever.
He said he might come to church with me. We’ll see what happens. Most of all, no matter what happens with us, please pray for HIS salvation. My faith is still here, but he’s in danger.
Hi Stapleittogether,
Just a respectful suggestion…but I’m wondering if it would be best to work on the unrepentant sin issue before anything else. If you do marry him, the temptation to sin may still be an issue. If you don’t marry him, there could be another great guy you meet (thus you would be faced with the same temptation). I say this because It sounds like it is causing you great distress leading to feelings that you could end up in hell. For your own assurance that you have peace with God, perhaps dealing with the sin issue is the road to travel first? Just a thought.
Stapleittogether,
Hang on ya’ll. this is going to be long!
You said: “To really be repentant, you have to stop sinning. I’ve been taught that if you have unrepented sins, you are not free yet to go to heaven.”
This is not true.
If it is, then NO BELEIVER would go to heaven because we still sin in some way up until we die. Even Paul wouldn’t be there. Peter, too. They were all saints who while on earth were still sinners. Who ever taught you that is wrong and teaching something unscriptural. I used to think the same way and I was so scared. The Bible says just the opposite. Once you are saved, you WILL NOT GO TO HELL. You sins, even the ones you have not committed yet, have been totally forgiven. TOTALLY FORGIVEN. What great joy is this!
IF the Holy Spirit lives in us, how can He go to Hell? He cannot.
))
((And I don’t think Purgatory is a Biblical concept either. It’s a great place to ski, form what I’m told, though.
Let me give you some verses that prove this forgiveness. Then I want to address repentance issue. (from http://www.biblegateway.com, NKJ version.)
Romans 8:35-39
35 Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or peril, or sword? 36 As it is written:
“ For Your sake we are killed all day long;
We are accounted as sheep for the slaughter.”[a]
37 Yet in all these things we are more than conquerors through Him who loved us. 38 For I am persuaded that neither death nor life, nor angels nor principalities nor powers, nor things present nor things to come, 39 nor height nor depth, nor any other created thing, shall be able to separate us from the love of God which is in Christ Jesus our Lord.”
Isaiah 12:2
“2 Behold, God is my salvation,
I will trust and not be afraid;
‘ For YAH, the LORD, is my strength and song;
He also has become my salvation.’”
1 John 5:10-13
“10 He who believes in the Son of God has the witness in himself; he who does not believe God has made Him a liar, because he has not believed the testimony that God has given of His Son. 11 And this is the testimony: that God has given us eternal life, and this life is in His Son. 12 He who has the Son has life; he who does not have the Son of God does not have life. 13 These things I have written to you who believe in the name of the Son of God, that you may know that you have eternal life,[a] and that you may continue to believe in the name of the Son of God.”
In Matthew 28: 19-20, Jesus said:
“19 Go therefore[a] and make disciples of all the nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, 20 teaching them to observe all things that I have commanded you; and lo, I am with you always, even to the end of the age.” Amen.[b]”
Ephesians 1:3-14
“3 Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who has blessed us with every spiritual blessing in the heavenly places in Christ, 4 just as He chose us in Him before the foundation of the world, that we should be holy and without blame before Him in love, 5 having predestined us to adoption as sons by Jesus Christ to Himself, according to the good pleasure of His will, 6 to the praise of the glory of His grace, by which He made us accepted in the Beloved.
7 In Him we have redemption through His blood, the forgiveness of sins, according to the riches of His grace 8 which He made to abound toward us in all wisdom and prudence, 9 having made known to us the mystery of His will, according to His good pleasure which He purposed in Himself, 10 that in the dispensation of the fullness of the times He might gather together in one all things in Christ, both[a] which are in heaven and which are on earth—in Him. 11 In Him also we have obtained an inheritance, being predestined according to the purpose of Him who works all things according to the counsel of His will, 12 that we who first trusted in Christ should be to the praise of His glory.
13 In Him you also trusted, after you heard the word of truth, the gospel of your salvation; in whom also, having believed, you were sealed with the Holy Spirit of promise, 14 who[b] is the guarantee of our inheritance until the redemption of the purchased possession, to the praise of His glory.”
Then 2 Corinthians Chapter 5.
There are so many more that I can give you. The Bible repeats this promise over and over. This is the New Covenant. This is GRACE. You are covered by Jesus’ OWN blood. You are no longer yours or Satan’s, but Christ’s. You WILL not spend a moment in Hell. When you die, your soul will go be with Christ that moment in Heaven. Paul writes that. The moment a Christian dies, they go to glory. Sanctification has ended. Glorification has begun. When God looks at you, He doesn’t see all the sin and guilt from your life. He sees His beautiful, and perfect, and sinless Son. No one deserves this love from Christ. Oh, but thank God for it!
Hi Kristine,
I know you were directing this to Staple but I just wanted to say thanks for addressing it. I kept trying to figure out how to help her not to feel so fearful without making it appear that we have free reign to sin. I think your comment below deserves more emphasis:
“Once you are saved, you WILL NOT GO TO HELL. You sins, even the ones you have not committed yet, have been totally forgiven. TOTALLY FORGIVEN. What great joy is this!”
Stapleitogether,
I think the fact that you care that you are sinning says a lot about your standing with God. It would be hard to find an unbeliever who laments over the fact that they commit this sin or any other sin.
LorMarie, Stapleittogether and Kristine – many thanks for your continued dialogue on this crucial topic. I agree that once you are saved you can’t go to Hell and also that we should not sin deliberately. The cross triumps over all sins and Jesus declared, “It is finished” (i.e., the debt is paid in full). The Holy Spirit can help us out of sin if we don’t quench Him.
1 Corinthians 10:13 No temptation has seized you except what is common to man. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it.
Thank all of you so much – you don’t know what a relief it is to hear what you are saying. I appreciate the time you’ve put it to help me, and if I get the chance to return the favor, I would gladly do it.
You are in my prayers.
LorMarie, Stapleittogether and Kristine,I found this site by mere coincidence.I know you are all addressing Stapleittogether yet it felt that you were talking to me.I am in the same situation,my non christian boyfriend and I have been together for 4years now and we really wanna get married yet I keep thinking it is wrong and keep looking for answers.I know I am supposed to preach the Bible.Jesus madeit clear that whoever denies Him infront of the world,He’d deny him infront of God.I would be denying Him in my own household.
Yet I am totally in love with my bf.He is amazing ,he respects my religion,goes to church with me and the pastor there loves him.
He agreed to marry me in church.
My parents hate him and now that they are out of the country,we’re almost living together.I know that’s sin yet I feel more secure and relieved when I know he is in the same place as I am.
I don’t know what to do and I really want to marry him.
I’m sorry you’re going through the same situation. I just have one question though about denying Jesus. If your boyfriend supports your Christianity and he’s willing to have the kids brought up Christian, then how would you be ‘denying Jesus in your own home?
Personally, I could never tell anyone specifically who to marry or not. But I really don’t see this as denying Jesus in your own home if you marry this man…living together without marriage would be a different story. If you do marry him, it’s between you and God. Honestly, I wouldn’t put too much stock into the horror stories you hear about christians marrying unbelievers. The reason is there are success stories for every negative one. That is not to say that issues will not arise…but such a thing could happen even in marriages between two christians.
At its core this is a simple thought process: If you really trust in God, you’ll know that following his rules will be best for you and honor him. If you deliberately break them, don’t be surprised when consequences occur.
That doesn’t mean you aren’t saved, and it is possible that God might bail you out of it, but He is under no obligation to do so when you go into a relationship with someone in direct and knowing rebellion to his rules.
I don’t know what the stats are of successful vs. unsuccessful, but when in doubt I recommend obeying God.
Yes, allow me to encourage you to obey Scripture and not your heart. Our hearts can be deceived into thinking we are doing the right thing. That IS why we turn to Scripture. It tells us what is the right thing to do, and it forbids the believer from marrying the non-believer. See 2 Corinthians 6:14 ff Do not be unequally yoked together with unbelievers. For what fellowship has righteousness with lawlessness? And what communion has light with darkness? 15 And what accord has Christ with Belial? Or what part has a believer with an unbeliever?
Let that be your authority. If you are trusting in Christ, trust Him to help you stand strong for the truth, getting out of an immoral relationship, remaining pure and standing for holiness as Christ calls us to do. Who knows, perhaps Christ will honor that and use your stance for righteousness to bring your unsaved boyfriends to faith. He may not. But He may.
If He doesn’t convert them, He may bring someone better along. Either way, you are much better off being alone, trust the One who truly loves you, than continuing on with the ones who are merely giving you lip service of love. After all, if your reputation and sexual purity are not important now to you, what makes you think those things will be important to him after you get married. Both men are cheating on their future wives now. The pattern has already been set for more sexual immorality and adultery after marriage.
Again, better to stand alone with the Lover of our Souls than with those unknown to Him.
BTW, when I trusted Christ in 1990, I lived without sex from that time until I married in 2003, just to let you know it can be done. I thank the Lord for His grace in my life. That purity came because of HIS grace, not anything in me. It all starts in Him!
Blessings
Neil and Timothy are wise. I became a believer after I married that disgusting man. Things got so very much worse after that. It is a form of persecution for your faith. Could things work out? They could… But the chances for them not to are staggering. As Timothy pointed out in 2 Corinthians, the Lord says not to be unequally yoked. It is an awful thing to happen.
I understand that you guys love each other. My question is, is it the Ephesians 5 type? That is the type that makes a marriage. (Eph. 5:22-33) That’s what Jesus wants for our marriages. No great sex can make up for the lack of it. That becomes hollow and empty without it. Being a Christian, your heart yearns for it, because you know the love of Christ.
We can also look at it from an application perspective:
Is his love for you so much that he will give up the sex and living together, until you get married?
Will he stick it out?
If he will not, he’s not worth marrying. The love that will sustain you through sickness and trials is not there. That type of love that causes a man to be an Ephesians 5 man only can happen when he’s been shown that type of love by Christ personally.
Because of what marriage points to, don’t settle for anything less than Ephesians 5. Your marriage is a living testimony of the Gospel. It is worth it because of our Savior. He is the One that sustains us through life, singleness, and marriage.
Loneliness.
I understand. It’s hard. It hurts.
But not as much as an abusive, dysfunctional, and eventually failing marriage. That’s a killer physically and spiritually. Those, sisters, are the darkest days. There is very little light for the non-believer seeks, by nature, to smother that flame that has been lit inside of you. Being “alone” is far better.
However, as a single Christian, you never are alone. That relationship with Christ is so sweet.
I hope these words encourage you.
“Loneliness.
I understand. It’s hard. It hurts.
But not as much as an abusive, dysfunctional, and eventually failing marriage. That’s a killer physically and spiritually. Those, sisters, are the darkest days. There is very little light for the non-believer seeks, by nature, to smother that flame that has been lit inside of you. Being “alone” is far better.
However, as a single Christian, you never are alone. That relationship with Christ is so sweet.
I hope these words encourage you.”
Hi Kristin,
People have differing views on the concept of being unequally yoked. I don’t agree that it means believers should not marry unbelievers but that’s another blog. It appears that you had a very bad experience with your first husband but I do think it’s a stretch to believe that marriage to an unbeliever automatically leads to abuse or even a bad marriage. I would say that the only thing a christian may have to consider is how their spouse’s lack of salvation may affect them. What I mean is this: How would you feel knowing that someone you love may spend an eternity in hell? What if the children decide not to become believers? Those are the risks involved. Then again, the risk concerning the lack of salvation of ones children is present if both partners are christians.
Also, it isn’t always about loneliness that people enter marriage. For me and maybe for the other two ladies the motive may be to do things the right way and settle down into a marriage instead of sinning. After all, it isn’t a very good witness to the one you love if you are “sinning with them.” Not trying to judge, but it’s true.
Personally, I think the best thing for believers to do is marry other believers. However, it does not mean your life or marriage is doomed if your spouse isn’t saved. I can’t speak for others, but based on what I gather from the bible, I’d feel more comfortable marrying an unbeliever than any man who has been divorced (saved or unsaved) and his former wife is still living. Still, I wouldn’t tell others they are wrong for remarrying.
LorMarie,
I agree with you totally when you say “Also, it isn’t always about loneliness that people enter marriage. For me and maybe for the other two ladies the motive may be to do things the right way and settle down into a marriage instead of sinning. After all, it isn’t a very good witness to the one you love if you are “sinning with them.” Not trying to judge, but it’s true.”
(You’re not judging the person, but their actions, BTW. That is discernment, which we all are called to do in order to edify and help others. The world gives us the crock of “not judging” and brings up that verse. That’s talking about being a hypocrite while judging others.)
Getting married is much better than continuing to live in sin. It’s one way to quit sinning and be honorable. As I see it there are two options: Get married or stop having premarital sex. Sin gets in the way of our relationship with God.
I wish in all good conscience that I could whole-heartedly recommend to all to go ahead and marry the non-believing boy friend. I just can’t, first because of what Scripture says, as well as my experience with it. It kills me to think of other women in the struggle that I had.
Yet still, the only way I can see marrying the non-believer is if they know they will continue sleeping/living with that person regardless, and marrying them will stop the sexual sin. In that case, marriage is best. It’s hard to deny the fact that the Bible says for believers not to marry non-believers. It also says not to fornicate, but that has been going on. So, we’re back to the two options as believers. Stop having a sexual relationship all together or get married. Paul encourages us to marry since sexuality is an issue. But there will be consequences to marrying a non-believer- spiritual warfare.
Marrying a non-believer will be rough because of the spiritual warfare involved. Marriage to a believer is tough enough! The marriage to a non-believer may not “be doomed” but the differences in the religions (or lack thereof) is a stumbling block for sure, for either spouse or both.
Believers need to know what they are subjecting themselves to when marrying a non-believer. Ask a believer married to a non-believer if they think the marriage would be better if their spouse believed. What a difference Christ makes!
As for marrying a divorced person, it really depends on the reason for the divorce. If there was marital infidelity or abandonment by the spouse, the innocent spouse is free to remarry. (That was the case with me and the wonderful man I married. He had a very hard time with it )The thing is, has the sin in the previous relationship been dealt with? Has the person(s) repented and is now living obediently to Christ, even if the divorce wasn’t Biblical? Grace is involved there. I wouldn’t be as reluctant to marry a believer who has been married before as opposed to a “free” non-believer. There will be baggage from the previous marriage that will have to be dealt with. However, that is a far cry better than the battle we face being tied so intimately with a non-believer.
Could the Lord bless that marriage? Most certainly. Could the quiet testimony of the wife lead her husband to salvation? If God wills it, it will happen. I can guarantee one thing: it will be the battle of her (believing) life, even more so than with a prodigal child.
Is that a battle you’re willing to knowingly undertake?
If so, pray fervently with out ceasing. Be in the Word continually. Meditate on it day and night. Put on the full armor of God. Fellowship with other believers routinely. Worship the Lord in spirit and truth weekly. Persevere in faith and trust in Him until the end.
Thank you for disagreeing with me and dialoging with me on this hard topic so respectfully. I really appreciate it.
Thank you for disagreeing with me and dialoging with me on this hard topic so respectfully. I really appreciate it.–Kristin
Thanks for your kind words. I always worry that my posts appear arrogant.
I think I may break up with him at the end of the school year. Thing is, if I cite religion as the reason, he’ll a) never date a Christian again, and b) will be too angry with me to stay friends. I can’t handle losing his friendship too. There is no other reason to break up though. I thought about telling him that I want to raise my children as Christians and letting him decide. It’s breaking my heart now, and I hate the thought of breaking his. His dream of a big family will be shattered, as his heart has been broken before and he says he’d give up if we don’t work out. I don’t want to give up on him, but if it goes through the fall he may propose, and I would be too in love to say no. Any advice?
Hi Staples,
Let me pray and work on some ideas here and get back to you tomorrow. In the meantime, please be in prayer and in the Word. Ask the Lord what He wants of you and how He wants you to do it. He is faithful.
I will work on this and get back to you. It’s important.
Keep your eyes and trust on Christ.
You are loved.
Staples,
You got a tough situation here. It is a good idea to be honest with yourself. You are very concerned about his feelings and that says a lot about your feelings for him. But, your happiness counts as well. Perhaps you should not say “it’s over” just yet but talk honestly with him about your desire to raise your children according to the christian faith. If you feel that you cannot have it any other way (and you should not, LOL) let him know. Try a bit more evangelism or maybe get some trusted male friends (who are christians) to befriend him with the hopes that faith will rub off. If it were me, I would go that route before making a decision one way or the other.
Staples, thanks for your candor and blessings to you for wrestling with this and trying to do the right thing.
Here are a couple random thoughts.
A friend was in a somewhat similar situation and when he broke it off (it took a couple tries), she said, “Why don’t you disobey your God just this once.” Kind of eerie, and another reason not to be unequally yoked.
He also apologized and took responsibility for letting the situation occur, because he was also concerned with how it would make her view Christianity. I think he wanted her to see that it was his fault, not Jesus’.
I would be careful about messages that say, “If you convert, we can get married,” or anything like that. Perhaps breaking up will make him consider it more seriously, but I knew a lady whose husband “converted” so they could get married. It wasn’t authentic, and he quickly drifted back to normal. Twenty years later they still had no spiritual common ground.
This is where our faith really helps us. You can trust in God that by doing what He says things will always work out for the best – perhaps better than you could have imagined. Is that easy? Not at all. Simple, but not easy. Pray for strength and wisdom.
Also pray that God will bring people that he trusts into his life who will share the Gospel with him. Remember the end of Matthew 9 (I think), where Jesus says to pray to the Lord of the harvest to send workers out into his harvest field. He isn’t just telling us to share the Gospel, He’s telling us to pray to him to send more people out. Sometimes people we love won’t listen to us but will listen to someone else.
P.S. to everybody else: When you share the Gospel with someone you may be answering someone else’s prayer.
Lor Marie and Neil have hit it on he head. They are so very right. Have that talk and be honest with him. Stand firm in the faith. You do not know how the Lord will use what you do and say. Trust that in some way that He could.
Don’t be tempted to “settle” for what you do not want to placate his hurt feelings, as noble as that sounds. In the long run, that may be the worst for him… and you.
Not only will he hear the Gospel as you talk to him, but he will see you live it out, and take a stand for it. That is a HUGE message. God may choose to change his heart at that minute. The Spirit works through the preaching and teaching of the Gospel. If not at that moment, maybe it will on down the line, and the seed that you’ve planted in him can be harvested by another worker.
I am praying that the Lord will send you that Ephesians 5 Man to you and that the Lord encompasses you and fills you with trust and peace as you have that difficult talk.
PS: It might help to write it out. You could even run it past your pastor…
I’m just so skeptical of having the things that you’re recommending I tell him actually work. He’s so stubborn about it and it’s become a sore spot in our relationship. I’m thinking about ending it at the end of the summer now…. he’ll be working about 2 hours away while I’m at school and it would be easier. If I did it at the end of the semester, I’d have to see him every day in the summer because we work for the same company.
I know that nothing is beyond God’s control, but it’s hard not to get frustrated when my prayers aren’t answered, or at least not the way I want them answered. Actually, instead of better it’s gotten worse. He said the next time we have a religious argument, he’d make me choose between him and religion. Obviously this is a red flag, but most of all it’s discouraging because instead of bringing him closer to God, I feel like I’m pushing him away.
Thank all of you so much for your advice. I appreciate your thoughts and prayers.
“He said the next time we have a religious argument, he’d make me choose between him and religion.” Stapleittogether
If he said something like that, I don’t blame you for breaking up with him. I’d do the same.
This is so incredibly serious!
He is asking you to choose Christ or him and you can’t have both. If you “choose” him, you blaspheme and reject Jesus. If you “choose” Jesus… then are you really losing him, or have you already lost your boyfriend?
Do you love him enough to give up your Savior? Or do you love your Savior enough to give up your boyfriend? It sounds like you have been given the choice the martyrs of the early church were given- worship the emperor and deny Christ, or die.
Some one who truly loves you would not give you that choice.
I don’t understand how breaking up with him at the beginning of the summer will make it easier. It seems that the longer you wait, the harder it will get. It also leads him on. You will see him at work. Yuck, that is going to be rough… at first. Don’t be alone with him. And don’t let him manipulate your emotions. His ultimatum proves that he has this in his arsenal and uses it. You can persevere through it.
When you do see him, pray. Keep your eyes upon Christ, the Comforter.
Taking a stand for righteousness sake is so hard because the world is at war with any thing of God. You are His child. Though is hurts, God is always there for us, especially when we stand firm for Him. It takes a lot of prayer and being in the Word. These are vital components of our armor.
I am in prayer for you.
Well, he didn’t just say that because of religion, he said that because sometimes I lose control of my emotions and let stupid things slip from my mouth. They hurt him, and I don’t blame him for being angry. He knows how important my faith is to me and so telling me that I have to skip church one week is his way of trying to get it across to me that he doesn’t appreciate the comments I make. No, that doesn’t make it right, but just know that it wasn’t unprovoked.
Also, to add some perspective: not only will I see him at work, but the company that houses us provides housing at the same apartment complex in the same building. We have all the same friends too. He told me that if we broke up, we’d be friends as long as we waited a while to date other people (which I can’t even think about), because it would hurt both of us too much to see that.
Speaking of other people, that is another fear of mine, that I won’t find someone that I love as much as him. I’ve never met anyone like him and it’s hard to imagine that I’d find someone else like that.
I am the queen of saying stupid things. But you saying something you shouldn’t is not justification for him forbidding you to go to church. A sin of the tongue, if indeed what you said was a sin, is not the same caliber of sin that blasphemy and unbelief is. No matter how provoked, it doesn’t follow that he’d forbid you to go to church. It seems that the logical response to such “provocation” would be to stop these conversations, not forbidding your church attendance. There’s something else going on there. Do not blame yourself for this.
Please continue going to church and Bible study every week. It is so vital to your life.
It seems like he’s got you where he can control you pretty well. You seem to be in a position where you stand to lose a lot and be really uncomfortable. That could happen. It is very sad and lonely there for a while. You could even lose your job and you might need to move. It will hurt to see him with another woman. And there will be another one. It could possibly be a bad idea to go out with someone else right off the bat. Taking a stand for righteousness sake often hurts.
But, what will you gain?
Somehow, in the long run, is it worth it?
Where do you place your faith?
Fear does not come from the Lord. You know that the Lord might have you remain single and the deep relationship that you develop is with the Lord Jesus Christ. After all, in a matter of speaking, He is the church’s Bridegroom.
However, He could have a person all picked out for you waiting, and maturing you both during this time. He could be even more than you could even possibly imagine.
He alone knows what’s best for you. Trust in Him.
My husband came to my sister’s wedding in 95. I was dating my ex-husband at the time and about to give him the boot. I had the same problem, all my friends were also his. It would be lonely, I wanted to get married, and I was afraid that I wouldn’t find anyone else who’d want me. So I settled for the schlump. My sister’s mother in law wanted my new husband to meet me at my sister’s wedding, but he refused. He was interested in someone else and my salvation was (rightly so) questioned. It wasn’t God’s timing for us to meet.
I married the person and went through a horrible time (you know the history there). I was kicked out and left everything and everyone. I who had been trained to recognize and help those in abusive situations found myself in need of rescuing. Major pride issue. I had to depend upon the Lord and I thank Him for placing people in my life who stood beside me, who I didn’t think would.
Because of Him the loneliness wasn’t as bad. He was there.
A month after the court date (April), we started corresponding (May)… due to my sister’s mother in law setting it up, pretty much. Then we started courting a few months later. By Thanksgiving, he proposed and we married in March.
Everyone questioned me if it was “too soon.” (Side note: I went to counseling through all this… and before the split.) We prayed. We sought the Lord’s guidance and will. We dealt with the divorce, the abuse, sin and trauma. We went to premarital counseling, and are still in counseling with godly men.
The thing is that we could have met in 95. But neither of us were ready for each other. A part of my trial was a part of my conversion, a burning away of the chaff, and hard-core discipline. I needed that to be a suitable help-meet for him. He needed maturing, softening, and learn to show grace. He needed to accept the Lord’s will for His life, even if that meant him being single.
We just celebrated our fifth anniversary this past week. God has given me that Ephesians 5 man, and I didn’t even think that any man would want to fit that mold. But so very many do! It goes against everything that our culture tells us we should want. However, our converted hearts beat knowing the reality that it is the way God has designed marriage between a man and woman to be.
I hope that this is encouraging to you. You are in my daily prayers and are cared about very much by someone you don’t even know.
Continue in prayer. Go to church. Fellowship with other believers. Talk to your pastor about all this. Trust in God.
Thank you so much, it means a lot to me that you’d take the time to listen and pray.
I’m very confused now though. The intimacy has stopped due to this huge fight. We actually almost broke up, and while I was waiting for him to make his decision, I prayed that he’d make the right one for both of us. I finally got the courage to decide to do it at the end of the semester, but I don’t know if I should. I wonder if that was a strange answer to prayer or something else.
I can’t even imagine going through your ordeal, but learning from you has helped me thus far. I’m much braver than I was, though it’s still horrible. But thank all of you for your prayers & support.
By the way, I didn’t mention in the last post that he did decide to give me one more chance.
Bravery isn’t not being afraid, not disliking what you’ve got to do, and not caring about the consequences. It’s going on and facing it all despite the problems, and hurts, and fears, and trusting the Lord.
Quite frankly, your situation scares me. All sorts of warnings are popping up all over the place. I don’t see how you can stay in the relationship the way it is, and barring his conversion, I can’t see it changing for the better. Things seem to be unraveling.
He’s given you “one more chance” to stop teaching him the Gospel, or to stop going to church, to change your priorities from serving the Lord to him.
This guy may seem to be so wonderful, good looking, fun to be with, and nice. But his heart is at war with God, evil. This being so, he is at war with you because God is your Father. The attacks will get worse, and manipulative, more than likely. If you don’t change your ways and religion, then you’re going to “lose him.” So, you’ll be “good” for a while, waiting on pins and needles for the Holy Spirit to work. Then you’ll say something godly, because you can’t help it since you love the Lord. He’ll get mad at you and threaten you with something, like “losing him” all over again. He’ll give you that ultimatum, again, and give you “one more chance.” The cycle continues.
BTW- It is the same cycle that an abuser does. Violence isn’t just hitting.
My question is, why isn’t he worried about losing you?
Sweetie, God HAS answered your prayer. It sounds like God has let him make that decision for you. Look at what the man has done. Do you choose him… or God? He’s not letting you have both.
You are worth a relationship SO MUCH better than the one you’re in. I know a few single, Christian men who long to be that Ephesians 5 man. They ARE out there. They’re having a hard time finding a godly woman that’s not some stick in the mud or fake, but that will be a true help-mate.
Proverbs 3: 5-6
5 Trust in the LORD with all your heart,
And lean not on your own understanding;
6 In all your ways acknowledge Him,
And He shall direct your paths.
This is the one the Lord gave to my mind and heart in the midst of all sorts of trouble.
Philippians 4:13
13 I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.
“By the way, I didn’t mention in the last post that he did decide to give me one more chance.”
I’m a little confused . . . I know breakups are always stressful regardless of who is the catalyst, but aren’t you looking for a way out?
Just curious Staple, where is your father in all this? Is he a believer?
If so, you are still under his headship and you could turn to him for help.
I have talked to him, and he has met my boyfriend 3 times. The last time was this last weekend. He warned me about the relationship too.
Staple,
Then please, please, please, heed his warning. God places Dads in our lives to help us see things we cannot. Theologically, your father is to be first in your life until you marry. (That is why in the wedding ceremony, the father takes your hand, and passes it your husbands. That symbolizes the reality that you are no longer under his headship, but are now coming under the headship of your husband.)
One of the wonderful words of advice I was given when I first entered the ministry was that of the 5th Commandment, honoring/obeying your parents. The woman told me when counseling couples to ask if their parents approved of the marriage. Since that time, I’ve come to realize that most of those who divorce, also have the reality that their parents did not approve.
The problem in our day and age is that parents don’t think they have the right or the responsibility to approve or disapprove. But they do. God has not lifted that responsibility. Please, listen to the truth in this matter, and not your heart, as hard as that is. We don’t give this advice because we don’t like you. We love you in the LORD and would hate to see a dear sister in the Lord entering a marriage that is fundamentally flawed from the beginning.
Kristine and Neal have been giving some wonderful advice. As hard as it is, please try and heed that advice. Trust in Him.
Blessings
Staple,
You mentioned the word “semester.” Are you in college? If yes, perhaps you are quite young… compared to me that is, LOL. This may seem a bit off topic but I’d like to make suggestion if I may. Have you ever gone into a period of in depth bible study? If not, I highly recommend it. You will find that God’s will can be found in His book. Some things you come to understand may surprise you, other things may come as no surprise. All of that comes with studying rather than reading. I don’t mean to sound as though you neglect the Bible…I just wish that someone would have made this suggestion when I was younger.
I’m not going to marry him, at this point it’s finding the “right” time to end things. We’re taking two classes together, and we have to collaborate on them because in one class, he’s my writing partner and in the second, I have all the notes. Also, with him living in his house, it’s completely full of memories. He’d have to be there alone the rest of the semester. On top of that, he’s about to graduate and I don’t want to make his last month or so miserable.
On top of that, after school is out, I will have about a week to go home and get away from everything before I go to work. If I did it now, it would create a lot of drama because I’d see him every day (we’re in the same major and work in the same lab). All of our friends would be questioning and I don’t want to deal with that now.
So at this point, I am planning on waiting until the end of the semester to do this because it makes more sense, unless for some reason tonight or tomorrow night we have a fight and it works out that it has to be done.
There is also one final, outside chance that he could change in a month. I really doubt it, and I hate to say that because I know nothing is beyond the Holy Spirit, but I have to be realistic as well. Plus, we may have a chance now to end on better terms so that I don’t lose him as a friend.
I’ve got an enormously horrible task ahead of me, but it will be done when it makes more sense to do it and the loose ends can be wrapped up more easily, and I can go home and get away from it to recover for a week.
Thank you all for your advice, it has been a great help to me. It has made me see the ugly truth that is ahead of me, but I have time now to contemplate it and prepare for it.
LorMarie,
I have gone to Bible study classes many times and have had in-depth sessions (you’re right, I am a junior in college). I have also talked recently with my aunt about this topic and she has kind of given me a “Bible study” over what is happening. But yes, I do recommend that college students get involved in one, otherwise they may lose their faith due to other influences. I have not lost faith, but if I kept going with this it could have happened.
I understand. I’m concerned about how miserable you are right now, as well as later. Worried.
I pray that the Lord is with you and is your comfort in the days ahead.
Just to update you, my boyfriend and I have talked and we know that things haven’t been going well. We decided that we’d stay together the rest of the semester, but with the knowledge that it probably won’t work. We will be here for each other as we’re going through this, and before the summer we’ll eventually call it off.
The worst part of all of this is that he blames Christianity for this, and that before he would date someone who was Christian and allow his children to be so if they chose that, but now he says that he wants none of it in his life, period. I feel responsible for that by setting a horrible example most of the relationship.
On top of that, he’s lost all his motivation for the future. He is literally a borderline genius, and is amazing at his job and at school. He no longer puts in the time or effort he used to. He also doesn’t ever want another serious relationship, which kills his dream of a big happy family. I told him that I felt like I ruined his life, and he said no, and also that he does not regret dating me because he had never been happier with anyone else or a better boyfriend for anyone else.
I admit that I am a little angry that God did not help him convert so we could be together. I know he has his own plans, but we were happy and now I hurt myself and him. Not only do I worry about my boyfriend’s life here, but I feel even more scared for his eternal situation.
I’m also worried that out of this pain and anger, I will reject God. That hasn’t happened, but it scares me. There are worse things in this world, I realize, but this is my personal worst, and it is a bitter, bitter pill to swallow.
I know you’re hurting. I am so sorry. Be though encouraged that you have done the right thing. Do NOT doubt that. What you do now glorifies the Lord. Focus on that.
Give that anger and pain to Jesus and trust in Him for comfort. Be warned that your flesh is going to want to hang on to every bit of that anger, pain, and blame and direct it towards the Lord. It is not God’s fault. Unfortunately, is it a consequence of what all has happened. Because He loves you, He disciplines you, and allows you to go through painful consequences of sinful actions. He uses things like this and turns them into good. He is building you into the image of Christ who is in you. For your ultimate sake and His glory, He removes sin and disobedience, disciplining you, training you for tasks of the Kingdom. He prunes us to yield great and abundant fruit.
You are not responsible for how your boyfriend feels nor his views of Christianity. He is. You are not responsible for “killing his dream of a big, happy family” nor are you responsible for him not wanting another serious relationship. It’s not dead! You guys are so young, you have no idea how much and fast life can change, doors open and close, and new people enter your life as old ones leave. He is responsible for cultivating his dream of a big, happy family. Not you. He is responsible for doing it the right way or that family will not blossom and grow, yielding wonderful fruit. You are not responsible for his lack of motivation. He is. You are not responsible for him being a non-believer. He is.
You are being a witness for Christ right now and making a stand for righteousness. He’s not going to understand this right now in his unbelief, nor like it. The other thing that’s going on is that you are not being manipulated by him either. (Watch out for the “poor me’s.” ) He’s not going to like that one bit. He is also being held to a responsibility and morality that he wasn’t doing before. He got the benefits of a wife with out the commitment on his part. You had expectations for him that he was refusing to live up to, not that he couldn’t. Pardon the clichè, but why buy the cow if you get the milk for free?
It does hurt when God does not call someone we love to Himself. We can pray and witness, but ultimately it is between the person and God. Remember too, that the Gospel will do one of two things. It will either soften and convert the heart, or it will allow the heart to harden. (Notice the word allow.) We cannot manipulate God. It is rather the other way around. For His glory, He has chosen some people to glory and some people to His wrath. On this side of glory, the fact that He allows loved ones to be condemned kills us and we don’t understand why. On the other side, will glorify Him for His perfect justice and holiness and understand. This is where we have to trust Him totally. He alone knows what is best. He has His reasons for choosing those who will choose Him.
With His love and perfection, can you imagine how He must feel when He must punish one of His creations? Can you imagine how Christ must feel to have sacrificed His life and have someone reject that supreme sacrifice and prefer disobedience and hell to a saving knowledge of Him and eternity in heaven? Awful. Even more awful than we in our limited human knowledge can comprehend.
Were you really that happy in the relationship knowing that he didn’t like Christianity? That he didn’t want you going to church or speaking to him about religion, the faith and Jesus that saved you?
You have done the hard, but right and good thing. You are honoring the Lord with your obedience and commitment to Him. You are learning a little how He suffered. Give this to Him. What He will give, is giving to you, is so precious.
Though the pruning hurts for now, there will be fruit.
It seems like you believe in predestination. If not, then I apologize.
However, I strongly disagree with that position. I believe that God KNOWS who will end up where, but “choosing” some people to go to hell does not coincide with the idea of free will, and if there is no free will, then there is no real love of man for God.
My boyfriend, and every other person for that matter, DOES have a choice as long as he is still on this earth. It doesn’t look like he will make that, at least any time soon, which is why things have to end this way. But people must have a choice, or the love that we need to have for Christ would be forced and wouldn’t be love at all.
I don’t want our beliefs on free will and predestination to throw off what’s important here. That’s a whole other topic. What is important is being obedient to Christ, not our theological stances on free will and predestination. Those things do more to separate the Body than unify it here lately. I don’t want that at all. I will be glad to explain my beliefs to you and show you the scripture if you ask one day, but it is a hard topic to grasp and takes a lot of teaching because we start from the very beginning and go to the very end.
It sounds like you do understand what’s at stake here, and that is really encouraging.
God does know. Jesus does understand our sufferings because He’s been there, too. If there’s one thing I want you to take away from this strand is that we want to be obedient to Christ because we love Him. That cross that we must bear sometimes is too heavy and that’s when we lean on Him to help us carry the load. Somehow, in all of the trials, He is glorified.
And that is worth it all.
Your sister in Christ.
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stapleittogether, on April 1st, 2008 at 1:52 pm Said:
It seems like you believe in predestination. If not, then I apologize.
However, I strongly disagree with that position. I believe that God KNOWS who will end up where, but “choosing” some people to go to hell does not coincide with the idea of free will, and if there is no free will, then there is no real love of man for God.
My boyfriend, and every other person for that matter, DOES have a choice as long as he is still on this earth. It doesn’t look like he will make that, at least any time soon, which is why things have to end this way. But people must have a choice, or the love that we need to have for Christ would be forced and wouldn’t be love at all.–Staple
You are right, your boyfriend (and everyone else) DOES have a choice. God wants everyone to be saved, but some people may reject that gift. Your soon to be ex may in fact be among the number to get saved eventually so don’t count that out (even if you never have a relationship with him). But, I did want to focus on a couple of things you mentioned. You said that staying with your boyfriend may cause you to lose your faith, but you also mentioned that your anger over the break up may cause you to reject God. Speaking from experience, what we think may cause us to lose faith or reject God ultimately does not. It’s all about being built on a firm foundation. It is natural to be angry and question God. After all, we learn through these difficult times (and in many cases, grow stronger in faith). There is a reason why you decided to break up with your boyfriend. You know if the relationship was in your best interest or not. Continue on in your biblical studies (as well as academic). Where God is, there’s peace knowing you did the right thing.
Kristine, you’re right, we should not let differences divide us. I actually got upset at one of my friends for breaking up with his girlfriend over some religious difference (but they’re both non-denominational Christian), and I was especially upset because I would LOVE for my boyfriend to be any kind of Christian.
LorMarie, I know you’re right and I don’t think I’ll lose faith over this. Usually, anger for me is a pretty temporary emotion and I’m sure I’ll get over it sooner than I think.
I want all of you to know that I appreciate your prayers and support. I kind of feel selfish in that I saturated this board with my issues, when there’s a lot of other people with similar or worse situations. I apologize if I’ve overlooked other people’s concerns. Kristine, thank you for sharing your amazing story and LorMarie, I hope that you figure out what’s best for your relationship situation.
I would just like to ask for prayer in one more thing. Since I have decided to end things with my boyfriend, I have become a little detached (out of necessity), and I would like to continue becoming detached up to the time that I have to actually break up with him. Please pray also for him and what he will go through, and for him to find salvation.
and LorMarie, I hope that you figure out what’s best for your relationship situation.–Staple
Yeah, I ended it some weeks ago. It was easy for me since I knew the relationship was a bad idea to begin with. Then again, the easiness to end things may come with age (I’m 34). He “left the door open” and I was tempted to slip. But when I consider his “true colors” and the shame I feel, it helps to stay away…not to mention changing my cell phone number so he won’t contact me, LOL. But I learned a lot about myself and as weird as it sounds, where I really stand with God. Thanks for asking and God bless.
It’s funny looking back on things. At the point where everything broke apart, I was probably the weakest I’ve ever been, most needy. However that need that drove me to my knees made me stronger because He took over. I realized my total dependance on Him and that I needed His direction for my life instead on relying on others for leadership or making the path for myself.
It’s funny that the saddest thing in my life has led to the most joy, in more ways than one.
That’s my prayer for you guys.
BTW- I’m 36.
Thanks again to all of you for such a great thread (not that it is necessarily over). I really appreciate the authenticity and genuine concern.